Can anyone give me opinions or criticisms on a part of my story?

by The Library of Congress

Issue by Elaina R: Can everyone give me opinions or criticisms on a element of my tale?
This is kind of a character research, it doesn’t have something to do with the true story that the character belongs to, it will take location about 250 years prior to then, really. Proper prior to the industrial revolution, in France. Elie is marginally insane, and in his mid to late teens. My pal and I who have been composing this story got really intrigued with his character, so I wrote a modest piece about his early daily life. I had a bit of exciting with composing in his point of view, and I hope it captures his tone. Occasionally, the sentences are fragmented, or or else skewed, but just keep in brain that I am attempting to genuinely get within the character. So just go through the whole point prior to you judge, but really feel totally free to bash as considerably as you really feel is needed, just make positive it is…y’know…valuable. Oh, and don’t bug me about the indentation. Yeah, I know, I’m the bane of all writers everywhere…If you don’t like so significantly, do not study it.

I stared about the room, dazed. Every person looked shocked, some terrified. Soreness registered in my entire body. I looked down at my hands, one particular of them was clenching a youthful lady by the hair, the other was keeping the blade of a knife. It was biting into my pores and skin, and dark red liquid ran down it’s deal with, dripping onto 1 of our much more elaborate rugs. “Elie…” My mom whispered shakily. My hands too this as a cue to relinquish their hold on the two things. I brought my hand up to my experience, whimpering as I took in the injury. The lady scurried absent, but I compensated her no head. I commenced to trace the line of my open flesh, the two reveling and despising the torture I inflicted on myself. “Elie.” My mom said again, harshly in between her sobs. She was the only one making a noise. “A person restrain him,” I heard someone whisper. “NO!” My mom wailed. She stumbled in the direction of me, so I let my hands drop to my sides. She squeezed me to her chest, making an attempt to shield me. “Mom, I am sorry,” I murmured. She cried louder. “Neglect what you have witnessed!” My father shouted in his booming voice. The way our company filed out quickly, I meant he was influential. Their whispers have been like rain heard from inside of. The girl commenced to howl, including the sound of powerful wind to the rainstorm. The appears grew distant when the heavy doorways slammed behind them. “Why would you do this?” My mom asked me. I experimented with to keep in mind what could have made me take a cutting knife from our heavily produced-up table, and assault the tiny lady, but it had escaped from my head. I shook my head. I realized it was the worst point I had completed however. I realized I wouldn’t be forgiven once again. They would stop me from currently being all around any person, possibly they would make me depart. The servant rushed over, holding gauze and alcohol in her quaking fingers. My mother sat me down on the couch, and the servant brought my hand to the light for examination. “He wants stitches.” She stated with her wavery voice. I wondered briefly why she was so timid. “We require to get the medical doctor.” My mother informed my father. His head shook once. “No. I can do it.” He strode across the space, and held my face in his large fingers. “Elie. Be calm. I need to have to give you stitches.” He stated gently. I nodded. “Go get what I need to have,” he ordered the servant. She shot up and left the room. “How could you do this to us?” he demanded sternly. My head dropped in shame. “He didn’t imply to!” My mom insisted. She hugged me to her once again, lightly stroking my hair. “What will we do with him?” Asked my father gravely. “Practically nothing! He’s remaining right here, with us!” She screeched back. His expression grew to become blank. I knew they would examine this an additional time. Without me. The servant arrived back with a big red bag in her arms and set it up coming to my father. With out a word, she left. He busied himself with the contents of the bag, and then grabbed my hand. He dabbed some liquid on it, triggering my hand to jerk involuntarily. “Be even now, son.” He commanded patiently, keeping my hand more firmly down. All I felt was the little tugs on my hand as the needle pulled the string by means of my pores and skin. He discarded the string and needle, then bandaged my hand. “Now go to bed.” He growled. I stood up and made my way across the space, up the stairs, and to my space. My mom followed right after me hesitantly. When I acquired into bed, she crouched down so her deal with was beside mine. ” I will not allow something happen to you, Elie. I enjoy you.” She breathed into my ear. “Alright.” I mumbled again. She shut the door. That evening, all I could recall was discomfort. It may possibly have been in my dreams, or achievable I hadn’t even slept. In the early morning, our servant arrived to the doorway, rapping quickly on the wood ahead of coming into. She had a significant plate of foods in her fingers. The plate by itself was a single of our lowest priced attributes I meant she hadn’t desired me to break any of our good china, throwing it against my 2nd-tale window, or a thing. “Your father needed-” She halted, and s
set the plate down on a silver tray. “Right.” I replied. She scurried out of the room with a slight curtsy. As an alternative of commencing on the meals, I stared at the new tiny black lines on my palm. I wondered how it would really feel to rip them out, with my teeth, possibly. But it was only idle interest. I realized, at that moment, what lacked the capability to inform the variation among curiosity and danger. I had constantly wanted to discover the boundaries. So I leapt previous them, eagerly awaiting to uncover out what would transpire. Often. Other instances, I heard a voice in my head telling me to hold again. But it wasn’t constantly there…so I experimented. A soft sigh escaped my throat. My perception was back now, but I didn’t know when it would desert me next. My thoughtless glances sooner or later pointed me in the path of my breakfast. It suddenly disgusted me. My hurt hand shoved the plate off the tray, and it fell to the floor with a crash. Pinpricks of ache ran by means of my palm. The maid was right, I mirrored.

Greatest reply:

Remedy by lbdinh

It assists the reader.

Know better? Depart your own remedy in the remarks!

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5 Responses so far | Have Your Say!

  1. Laelia A says:

    “His” description is written by a girl, you were unable to enter a male’s mind.

  2. ADDY says:


  3. vampire of styx says:

    if your ever going to post a section of your story on yahoo answers then make it very brief maybe 1 paragraph 6 sentences. no one wants to read through all of that

    its just advice

  4. Kathryn W says:

    It is always difficult for a female author to write from a male perspective and vice-versa. You are struggling with this and it shows. Remember, your goal is to try and get inside this characters mind as much as possible. Men and women tend to place more importance on different things – women tend to be more interested in the emotional side of things, while men are more interested in action and describing what is going on.

    It is a good piece, but needs some fine tuning to sound more masculine.

  5. james m says:

    I think its perfect! its like a bagel bite of a story. Mm -Mmm good

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